Some Friend

You would think that someone who claims to want to be a friend would try their hardest not to make me feel worse. But then again what else would I expect from people. Not even sure why I added him to my Facebook anyways as I usually only add people who I’ve already spoken to before but I did. He seemed nice enough at first but then only after a few days of chatting he was pushing to meet up. Of course I did not and every time he would bring it up I would have a reason to say no. I mean, I don’t just go around meeting random people from the internet that I’ve only conversed with for a couple days as I’m not as young and stupid as I used to be. Besides, I’m too broke to be going out willy nilly and I am still in job search mode. Anyways, we had some decent conversations but then things start getting creepy when he starts inviting me to his place. Yeah I put my foot down on that as an absolute not going to happen. He also talked about dating and I’m like “WHOAHHHHH THERE BUDDY!” I friend-zoned him real fast and he got all apologetic so figured I’ll let it slide but friends only. Besides, according to his profile the guy is 12 years younger than me and still lives with his mommy.

Conversations kept on for a couple more weeks. Annoyingly every time we would start chatting though, he would ask me how the job hunt is going. First few times I didn’t mind too much but after awhile that question gets on your nerves when you have been out of work for a bit but trying your damnedest to get a job but nobody is hiring in the area for your skill set or just not hiring you period. I know now why my friend in the UK would get annoyed with me when I would ask him the same a couple years ago. I mean it is really frustrating when you’re trying and getting no results. I’ve never had to deal with this before. I’ve worked regularly since my senior year in high school and at each job I knew someone, therefore easy hire. Not so this time around, I’m pretty much on my own in my search. I did have one friend throw me a couple leads but those didn’t pan out. Well at least the one didn’t, I am still waiting to hear from the other lead but I think I got ghosted on that one as it has been a month already with no word. So yes, it is frustrating for me and not very good for my mood either to say nothing about a blow to my already fragile ego. Right now I am feeling very much how my father must have felt all those years ago when after leaving a job he held for 15-20 years at the age of 35, he could not find a job to save his life even after going back to get his high school diploma. After 25 years of unemployment, depression, and health issues he died a broken shadow of his former self at only 59 years old. Seeing what happened to my dad, hell yeah I’m fucking scared! I was at my job for almost 25 years with a tiny break in between when they laid me off only to bring me back a year and a half later. I was in one place for too long just like my dad was at his old job.

So yeah, here I have this random guy on the internet wanting to be friends so badly but when I kindly tell him to stop questioning me about my job hunt, he tells me to get a job and he’ll stop. Like what the ever-loving fuck do you think I’m doing, just sitting on my ass doing nothing and purposefully sucking my savings dry? And then he gives me some shit about fighting the coming tide or being engulfed by it and some other crap that I really don’t need to hear so I told him goodnight and I signed off as I am in no mood. He’s making it sound like I’m lazy and not trying. When I log back in I see a message from him saying “Jeez The truth must hurt to hear.” I told him thanks for the fucking vote of confidence “friend”, thank you so much for making me feel even worse than I already do about this whole situation that I never chose to be in. After that I unfriended and blocked him. I don’t need that. Real friends offer encouragement, wisdom, or even a helping hand if possible. Real friends don’t try to drag you down deeper and cement your feelings of wanting to kill yourself.

About DarkPhoenix

I am an open book. My pages are just stuck together.
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