Don’t Just Give Me Words

I despise what I have become with every fiber of my being. I never wanted to, but that’s how it seems I’ve ended up. Early on I was a happy child. Nothing was going to squelch the burning desire I had within me from the time I could earliest remember. Not the bullies, not my family, not my teachers, not the fact that I was poor, nothing. Believe it or not I was positive. The innocence of youth I suppose. Then, somewhere along the way, everything got to me and wore me down causing darkness and nobody seemed to care and telling me to change what’s going on but never showing or telling me how. Others were blind to me in general. Just after high school, I thought things were going to get better. I thought I had found my alternate path to what had been burning inside of me since I before I could even tie my shoes but was always blocked from me by external forces and i thought I had found a group of people that were as passionate as me and that could help me. I was finally getting the chance to grow and to become, or so I thought. Just as I began to grow I was cut down once again and the darkness returned. Forces were once again working against me. I was forced into solitude and darkness which didn’t help as I was not ready yet. Contrary to popular belief I do not always prefer to work alone, I like collaboration. People would promise me things and I would foolishly hold onto them promises as promises were supposed to be sacred things. Turns out promises are like apologies, empty and meaningless. I kept trying to find the path again but all roads were blocked and nobody cared or would give me a chance. Even those who I thought were friends wouldn’t even try to help. People would tell me things will turn around, but they don’t and they’ve only held me back more. People would tell me to think positive and tell me I could get to what makes me happy, but most times words are words when there is nothing behind them to back them up. Further and further into darkness I dwell, something I never wanted. Even when there are actually people around me, it’s as if I am not even there, alone in a crowded room. Even now, people like to tell me I could change things, but they never offer solutions to my problems. If I hadn’t been leeched of all my money, I could have pursued things properly. I work in drudgery to pay bills and taxes and that is all I get enough for now, not enough to get to that which burns inside of me. That which burns inside of me still burns but remains unfulfilled, and I am cut off from that which makes me feel alive. I crave the chance but never get it. I never wanted this life, none of it! Forever alone and dead inside.


About DarkPhoenix

I am an open book. My pages are just stuck together.
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