What does a person do when they have nothing in life to look forward to? When all the dreams fly too far out of reach and all that everything they have ever done, or strive to do, becomes effort wasted? All of my life I had been made to feel like I never mattered by people who should have had my back. Some may say to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off after every fall, but a person can only pick themselves up so many times. When all of your pride has been stripped and everything you ever loved and enjoyed has been denied to you, what is there left? I feel that I have no point, no purpose, something I never liked the feeling of. Yes, I have tried to hold on to everything, but it all still slipped through the cracks and nobody to help me find my way back. Forever invisible and insignificant.
I know how my father must have felt for all those years before his heart had finally had enough and decided to stop without warning. All he had worked for taken away and kept too far away out of reach to reclaim. He would often look to me and smiled, call me his little tv mogul, never realizing how the new company that took over years ago had made me stagnant not allowing me to grow and achieve the greatness I desired and that I was still working there because nobody else in the area were hiring regular employees in this economy and I couldn’t afford to move out of state to where the better jobs were. And I don’t think he ever realized that after the economic downturn, I was never able to recover losses incurred denying me the ability to save for and go to college or drama school as I had desired to do since graduating high school. Yes, I had many years experience under my belt and all of my education was on the job learning, but I still felt the need to try for more. I’ve never recovered from that loss, causing already existing depression I’ve had since I was a bullied teenager to become worse, sometimes to scary levels. Now, even if I did somehow manage to reclaim myself economically, I would be too old to try once again for that which I had desired since I was three years old. The only things I ever wanted in life since I was a toddler pretending in front of a mirror is lost.
I have failed in life. I have failed myself. I have failed my twin flame in the universe who is far away in a distant land unaware of my miserable existence (at least he is happy and successful in his life I’m sure). I feel no purpose, nothing to look forward to, lost to the world. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t mean to scare people, or freak anyone out, but this is just something constantly on my mind. I tend to ramble sometimes, as you already know.