Hard to Be a Creative Sometimes

Really hard and taxing on the brain to be a creative and not be able to create. Unfortunately my current pay the bills job has nothing to do with being creative and therefore mind numbing and it’s usually an 11 hour day so there’s the whole day/night right there. Sure there are some days off but then those days off are used to either recharge the body or to catch up on chores and do grocery shopping, not leaving much time there to do anything either. Forever am I the caged animal unable to get out and be truly me. Is there a me anymore? I sometimes wonder. I find myself becoming increasingly depressed with no way to get out.

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As always, those in charge choose to ignore warning signs and now we have a possible pandemic on our hands.

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Slow Times

Just peachy! After a very busy February, looks like my job is entering a slow period which means less work which means less money. Not that I like the job but right now it was giving me money which I need especially now that Medicaid is cutting me off at the end of the month because apparently $12 an hour is too much money being made. Oh what fun my miserable existence is. Coworkers warned me this will happen. One guy told me they’ve gone a couple months without work sometimes. Yet another thing that would have been nice to know before applying for this job. Things we end up doing when desperate.

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New Fun Thing

Wish it didn’t cost so much or I could really take a liking to it. Tonight I have discovered the joys of axe throwing! Had a blast and released some pent up aggression. Not the best at it of course considering it was my first time out but did manage to hit the target a few times. It’s a lot like darts or archery but with axes and it is fun!

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Don’t Make Plans

This new pay the bills job is super annoying. Long hours behind the wheel and I’m finding that even if I have plenty of sleep, I’m having a hard time keeping focused and sometimes even keeping my eyes open while driving the required laps. This is totally not for me. People keep saying that it will grow on me, I’ll get used to it. NO I WON’T! Along with the trouble with alertness, I’m also experiencing what I think would be classified as anxiety. Not a fun feeling. Had to nope out a few times when the snow and ice would be getting bad. I swear it’s more than just car endurance they seem to be testing. This is dangerous shit and the pay is not stellar.

Anyways on top of all of that, they don’t do schedules like normal jobs do it seems. Instead of having a whole week fleshed out so everyone knows what day they are working, they only schedule one day in advance. This makes it impossible to actually make plans. This really doesn’t fly with me. I like to know exactly when I’m working and if I’m working. If I wanted to have such uncertainty, I would have went ahead and did freelance work in my own field of expertise. Also, I’m not keen on the whole give me a day off then call me in anyways thing.

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Don’t Be So Little

People who say they never felt the urge to travel outside of their own state or country annoy me so much. How can people wish to stay so close-minded? So much out there to see and do and learn. If you don’t want to expand your mind, I don’t want to know you as I have no use for you. If you are not learning and exploring, then what is the point of anything? I utterly despise the idea of being a mindless drone whose only purpose in life is to work tirelessly with no reward, eat and sleep then lather, rinse, repeat the next day.

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Getting Out There

I know to get to where I want and need to be, I need to get myself out there. But how can I get myself out there if I keep getting stopped from doing so? Seems like all my life, every time I try to get myself out there and do what I want and express myself, I get pushed back. Nobody wants me to be me. Everyone wants me to get into the background and stay quiet and do nothing. What the everloving flock?

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