Here We Go Again, She Means Well Though

I love my sister but sometimes I don’t think she really thinks about things all the way. Then again maybe I analyze the hell out of things too much, except for maybe some comments I leave on Facebook when I’m feeling down. Yesterday I made a comment on a post made by our half sister, something along the lines of happiness and success and how I haven’t obtained any of that yet. Hey, it’s true. Well my sister chimes in with, “You’re still young & not married & no rugrats. You can still go to school or online classes for a new career & Aunt Theresa said before to come stay w/her & try to start over. Sell some stuff, put some stuff in storage, take necessities & start fresh.”

Just a few minor problems with that oh sister of mine that you just don’t get. Nobody seems to get it actually. I don’t have the money to just up and go or else I would have done that already and be living my dream. Just because I don’t have a litter of children (thanks for rubbing that in by the way) does not mean I have a lot of money. Moving requires money. School requires money. Storage requires money. Sell stuff? What I got is not worth all that much. Also, there is no guarantee of finding a job if I just up and move to somewhere. Get me a job or $50,000 sis, that will be a good start. As for my aunt, as much as I love her I don’t think I could live with her. For one thing, my aunt is a devout Christian and would not look kindly upon my Agnostic views. Yes dear readers, I am Agnostic though I respect all religions. Secondly, she is a close-minded Trump supporter. And from what I can tell her house is full enough as it is with at least one of her children and a bunch of grandchildren always around. I think we would clash too much.

Sometimes those on the outside think there are easy solutions for everything when in reality it is all easier said than done.

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They Remain Blind, But I Could Never Forget

Sometimes I don’t know why I still mess with Facebook. I suppose because it’s now the only way I can get messages to some friends. But sometimes it makes me want to let my opinions fly to some people or maybe even reach through the internet and slap someone around. Sometimes my two aunts get on a reminiscing kick, which isn’t always a bad thing, but then sometimes start going on and on about some relatives that have died. Auntie R not quite as bad as Auntie T, but they both do it.

This week Auntie T has been going on and on incessantly about my cousin Kelli who died about 10 years ago or so. Auntie T is one of those people who believe certain people could do no wrong in her eyes and that if you tried to tell her differently she will not believe you. She is a lot like her mother that way. Grandma was the same way with Kelli and pretty much everyone else, which always annoyed my father to no end and is pretty much the reason he hated visiting. Well this week, Auntie T has been posting pictures and everyone was all boo-hooing and saying how much they miss her, and all I could feel is intense anger and hatred. I cannot share in their grief because I actually feel glad that she is gone, though I don’t tell my aunts that of course. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but how could I feel bad at the loss of someone who chased me (I was but a child of 11 or 12) around with a large knife on one occasion, held me down daring me to scream just because she didn’t like me quietly listening to my headphones one day, held a pillow on my face a couple times and laughed about it, constantly harassing me and threatening me for no reason whatsoever and whenever I would go to an adult with issues I would be dismissed and told I was imagining things or I’m just trying to start trouble which is funny because I was always the quiet one. This girl was so evil, she couldn’t even stand it when her boyfriend at the time, who was a good 12 years my senior by the way, gave me a stuffed bear for my 12th birthday and she beat on her boyfriend because of it. It got to the point to where I hated visiting my grandmother. My sister and I would often go there on weekends but after awhile I began to just stay the night next door at Auntie R’s just so I wouldn’t have to deal with it all. So yeah, excuse me if I don’t share in the worship.

I’ll never understand how people can look straight into the face of evil and be so blind to it. I’ll never understand how an adult can bully a child and others pretend it’s not happening. I’ll never understand why someone would celebrate or mourn somebody with such evil in their hearts, and yes the whole family knew she was bad. And before you ask where my parents were when this was going on, they did not know the extent of what was happening when they were sending my sister and I off to grandma’s for a weekend visit, especially when grandma herself doesn’t know half of what goes on when she’s not around. My sister didn’t even know a lot of what went on because sometimes bullies like to get you when nobody is looking so that way when you go to tell on them, there is nobody to back you up.

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I feel tired sometimes. Not sleepy tired, just tired of everything. Some days I cannot even get motivated to get out of bed. All motivation seems to be getting sapped away again. I hate these feelings.

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Why should I have to give up my dreams just because everyone else gave up on theirs?

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Dreams Are Weird

Okay brain, why did I have a dream about eating mini gummy bears from a cup sitting on a couch watching tv with David Tennant? So weird.

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DVD Find

As you know, I’m mainly a Marvel girl but on occasion I like me a little Batman just to mix things up. While I never really read many of the books, just a few graphic novels, I enjoyed watching most of the movies, animated tv series, and even that silly tv show from the 1960s. While browsing a shop at a mall, I came across an animated Batman movie that sounded a bit interesting. “Batman: Gotham by Gaslight” is indeed quite an interesting alternate universe story set in Victorian times in the style of a Sherlock Holmes mystery with Batman going against Jack the Ripper. Not having read the original story from which this animated movie was adapted, I cannot say how close the writers got to the original story but I did find it an enjoyable watch. Much like a Sherlock Holmes story, the plot is simple with some interesting twists to watch out for that will keep you guessing. 7 out of 10, something to check out if you enjoy an old fashioned whodunit, just don’t expect an overabundance of Batman gadgetry.

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Others’ Lack of Passion Can Be Draining

One of my former coworkers gave me a possible job lead to check out. She contacted someone she used to work with years ago who is now working at a local municipal access station and apparently they said they could use another hand. I should have been more cautious of course as this was coming from the person who pulled me back into the company years ago that I ended up getting stuck in. She was enthusiastically selling this guy and making municipal access sound more exciting than it really is, so I told her I’ll check it out. She gives me no specifics of course, just tells me to call or email the guy.

About a week after I email this person, I finally get a reply by email asking me to call him for details. You know how you can sometimes get certain vibes from a person just by hearing them talk for the first time? He didn’t sound evil or creepy or nothing bad like that, but there was just something telling me that this guy wouldn’t really be my type of boss. Upon asking him for specifics, since my ex-coworker gave me none, he informs me that the job is freelance use-me-if-he-needs-me, no guaranteed amount of hours per week, and pay is only once a month, and no benefits. Already not a good sign. Also, just the way he talks shows no passion, but maybe he was having one of those days so I gave him the benefit of a doubt. Definitely more of a side gig thing than an actual pay the bills job.

On Monday, I went over to his office. He said he would be there around 6ish. Yes, 6ish. He apparently has his own time that he runs on, which depending on what’s going on is not always bad. I’ve been known for my “ishes” if I know it’s going to be a slow day or I have no pressing engagements. Shoots I’m always early for though. Anyways, I get there and all the doors are locked. His office is in the city’s municipal building so they probably have an automatic door lock time, no biggy. I call to see if he’s there so that he could let me in but he does not answer the phone. I wait for a few minutes because hey, sometimes things take us away from our phones. I call again about 5 minutes later, still no answer so I leave a message. About 10 minutes after that I call again, no answer. He finally calls me back around 6:25 and I told him he needs to let me in because the doors are locked. That and it was a very cold night. He was very nonchalant about everything, not very formal. He showed me around his equipment for shooting the council meetings, which they were doing one that night, as well as some other stuff he takes care of. I got to mess about briefly with the camera controls and Tricaster and even sat in on the council meeting broadcast for a bit.

He continued to explain stuff to me, but I could tell this guy had no passion or drive and is just counting his years to retirement. The vibes I was getting was quite saddening and all I can think about is how could I work for someone who has no spark? At my previous job, all of my coworkers had lost their drive and passion years ago, which I believe is what dragged me down and got me stuck there. When I first went back to the company I worked for previously, there was still some passion but unfortunately with all of the corporate meddling and yearly budget cuts and layoffs that passion faded as I have stated in a previous post. Unfortunately one person with fiery passion cannot do much when everyone else’s above her has faded. It drains the spirit. I want the fire within me to swell once again. That cannot happen if I’m under an energy sapper.

The ex-coworker who gave me the lead told me last month that sometimes one has to take a step backwards in order to move forward. I’ve been taking steps backwards since 2005, I am not getting any younger, I cannot afford to keep going backwards. It’s time I start moving forward finally.

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