Getting Out There

I know to get to where I want and need to be, I need to get myself out there. But how can I get myself out there if I keep getting stopped from doing so? Seems like all my life, every time I try to get myself out there and do what I want and express myself, I get pushed back. Nobody wants me to be me. Everyone wants me to get into the background and stay quiet and do nothing. What the everloving flock?

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What have I gotten myself in to? I really don’t see myself at this job for very long. Only a few days in and it’s definitely soul crushing, lonely, and back ache inducing and not the type of back ache from a solid day’s labor but from sitting on your ass in a car for 8 to 11 hours straight with maybe only a slight break to fill up a gas tank. Everyone other car testers I see, can’t really say work with as we all drive separately, but they all walk around like they are in pain and waiting to die. This truly is a job of desperation for most I can tell, as it is for me right now. But this is not a healthy environment for me. If I was truly a car person it may be different, or if I didn’t have dreams and life goals which this is really pushing those back even more. I can’t seem to catch a break. To make things even more annoying, I put on my application in the beginning that I’m not available weekends but of course they ignore that and had me work Sunday. Yeah right now I’ll take what I can get but I can’t be having these people taking advantage of me. Also seems that scheduling is done only a day in advance which is really annoying.

First couple nights on the job and my back was screaming at me so I have to use my back brace now and swig down the pain pills. I hate taking pills. For me, anything other than food and drink should not be in my body. I have to have blinding pain before I decide to take something for it. I’m also noticing that I don’t get much time for anything when I’m off the clock since once I get home I may be able to stay awake for a half hour then I zonk out to sleep. Wake up and it’s wash up, get dressed, eat reheated dinner from the previous night, the quickest check of my emails, then out the door to work. So right now it seems I am just working to exist. When will it be my time to live?

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Things We Do Out Of Desperation

Not something I want but it had to be done and hopefully something better and more along my path comes soon. After a long drought of no responses to the many applications I’ve submitted, I’ve finally got a job. Months ago I even started looking for stuff outside of my field on the advice of a friend who told me to just start applying anywhere and everywhere. Not my taste but okay. Finally got contacted for a job that is probably as far away from tv production as one can get. And yes, I have been trying to find jobs in the tv production field but most only want freelancers or people who have their own equipment which if I had my own equipment, I would be making my own stuff already and probably getting paid for it. Not sure what I’m doing wrong though but never any callbacks. So have a job, albeit temporary, as a car tester / evaluator. Before you go “Oh cool as hell!”, let me tell you it’s not. First of all, I may like looking at the pretty cars and admiring the power of said pretty cars but I know nothing about the mechanics. I pay people to do my car maintenance for me, I don’t care call me “princess” if you like. Secondly, it’s apparently long hours driving which I cannot stand doing unless it’s on a picture perfect day and I’m free to make as frequent stops as I want wherever I want and have someone in the car with me. Third, I have extreme anxiety attacks when driving in the dark in snow or rain on top of a bridge phobia. Fourth, other drivers sometimes drive totally crazy. So why did I apply? I didn’t know about the long monotonous hours of driving, neither did my friend obviously then again he’s done long hours of driving before. And I was desperate for work, bills need to be paid somehow.

The downside of all of this is hours are not guaranteed and according to coworkers this is not a job to live off of. Right now they are in a busy time but soon the days of work may get few and far between, which is not good. Another downside is that when putting in a full day’s work, there is not much time to pursue my creative endeavors which makes all of this all the more soul crushing. My friend says I’ll be fine but no, I won’t be as this is not my path. The hours also don’t leave much for life. 3:00 pm ’til midnight or longer isn’t very conducive to having a life. I know as I have worked that shift for many years running master control at the cable tv station I worked at back before it went to mostly file based operations. My hours at least varied occasionally when I had a production to be on. Their morning shift at this place is just as bad as they start at 4:00 am usually which sounds okay to most people but when you think how tired you are after a long drive, you don’t have much energy for anything and you end up sleeping shortly after being done.

Still searching for work in the field of tv/video production since that is where all my training is and hope I can find one soon. Acting and filmmaking would be better as that is what I really want and need to be doing but never raised enough money for training and all the other stuff needed but that fire still burns in me after all these years and it’s killing me that I’m not there yet. Most of those production jobs though seem to be out of state and I’m kind of stuck in the metro Detroit area for now and cannot afford to move away. Seems I keep getting further and further away from my dreams. If anyone out there knows of anything or can hook me up with some connections it would be greatly appreciated.

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Rummaging Through Ancestry

A couple months ago, one of my aunts on dad’s side started up a family history page on Facebook highlighting the maternal family line of my paternal line (dad’s mom’s side of the family). This sort of renewed my interest in genealogy, which had been a hobby of my aunt’s for some time. She did some in depth researching of both her and my dad’s maternal and paternal lines tracing each as far back as to before the respective lines came to the US before it was a country. The paternal side even goes back to the days of the Wars for Scottish Independence which seems to be where the Scottish that became Irish came in.

While looking through this stuff my aunt had been posting, it got me thinking about my great grandmother. My Nana, as I called my great grandma Scurlock, was a pretty cool lady who has had quite a few stories told about her younger days by her children and grandchildren. She was already in her mid to late 80s by the time I came into this life so never got to see her in her glory days but she was still sharp of wit and loved to tell us youngsters of the “good old days”. I also remember her telling me how she was related to some famous figures from “old west” stories. At that point though my almost teenage mind would go “Yeah right Nana, put down the brandy.” But those stories still stuck in my head after all these years. When she died at 98 years old, there was no internet quite yet so no way to ever verify her stories and of course dad and his siblings only thought of her stories as tall tales as well meant to entertain the kiddies and Nana’s children couldn’t or wouldn’t verify her stories either but then again, some of these figures were nothing to be proud of. A couple relatives apparently ran with outlaws like Billy the Kid, a soldier fighting alongside General Washington in the War for Independence (okay that one is pretty cool), and one in my direct line was a Civil War soldier on the losing side. The Civil War soldier was easy to believe as many American men of the 1800s fought in that war. I know not everyone is into the whole ancestry thing, but I sometimes think it interesting to imagine what life may have been like for people in certain eras.

So remembering my Nana’s stories, on a lark I did a bit of digging on a site called findagrave as well as ancestry (good resources for ancestry research) . Looked up the guy who ran with outlaw Billy the Kid who bore the same surname as my great grandmother and went back a few generations in that man’s line and found a common ancestor back in the mid 1700s. Well I’ll be, the dude is a distant cousin. Can’t be bothered with figuring out the math on which cousin how many times removed as that always gets confusing but sure enough the old woman wasn’t just spouting off tall tales. So moral of this tale is that unless you know for sure that an elderly loved one is totally senile, don’t dismiss their stories so easily and enjoy them because once those loved ones are gone, memories are all that are left. Out of the 3 great grandmothers I was lucky enough to know before their deaths, I remember my Nana the most.

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Little Queen

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Sleepy Kitty

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